Saturday, December 26, 2009

A KB moment...........not really!

I am not sure when KB and I first got together.

Well I mean first kind of caught up. I think it was about Oct/Nov two years ago. Commenting on each others blog. We seemed ta have an uncanny knack of just clicking. We understood each other and laughed at the same shit.

I remember thinking at the time that this was too good ta be true, finally finding a woman who understood where I was at and where I was coming from with none of ....."YA can't say this nor that"

Pretty soon the phone calls came and man could we talk for hours. We couldn't get enough of each other and the conversations ran thick and fast. Probably what you folks won't know is that KB and I can talk to each other for hours on end and if ya were ta ask what we had discussed we couldn't tell ya. What we could say though was that we had the best time ever.
Of course this created trouble with our partners who never really understood where we were coming from nor what we were doing.
They thought, quite incorrectly that we were having an affair.
We were for all intent purposes just enjoying what we both craved. Someone who understood what we were about and understood what we were saying.
I can't remember half of what we talked about but I know that as soon as I was told that this was getting outta hand I rebelled.
I couldn't and still can not understand how or why what we were doing was in anyway shape or form wrong.

Maybe I am stupid........?

So what started as pure friendship developed into a love that knows no bounds.

I caught up with KB in Oct 2009 and spent 2 weeks with her on and off.
The first meeting was great we just clicked. However when she took me back ta the motel I threw up over the garden. She somehow got me into bed and left.
A combination of drinking way too much and stressing over feelings.

I just felt that with KB I was my old self. I had been reborn or something along those lines.
We did so much together and such simple things that seem so insignificant yet were so important.
If you ever get the chance ta meet KB, believe me she is everything ya would have imagined.

So the past becomes the now.

We were both told by our partners that this was ta cease. "Give it 6 months no contact"
So we did.
Guilt and yearning set in.
6 months on and the feelings remain the same. Now 6 months must become 12 so our beloved partners say.
Enough is enough!
I think I was the one ta break our code of silence.
I never really knew if she still loved me until we made contact.
I had already made my partner clear about not telling me who I could and couldn't talk ta.
KB found it harder.
I felt so frustrated that I wasn't there ta support her, although I didn't know it at the time, KB was experiencing the same emotions I was............. "She loved me!" and was torn between what was suppose ta be right and what was perceived ta be wrong.

All of a sudden we were going through the same frustrations. All the things we had been taught, all the things we believed were being torn apart and thrown ta the four winds.

Pretty soon I realised that I had found someone special. A soulmate in the true sense of the word. Trouble was I didnt believe it. Not cos I didnt want it but purely cos it doesnt happen ta the likes of me. I dont get that lucky. I am not worthy kind of bullshit.
I'll tell ya now, I am worthy and I do deserve it.

Ya see I spent most of my life looking after or caring for others. Everything I have done was never about me but others. Everyone else came first. My needs cast aside as if they never mattered.
As soon as I started standing up for myself I was constantly manipulated into feeling guilty
for putting myself first. Sent on constant guilt trips. not sure if they were delibrate but I do recall feeling the pressure and fighting so hard ta keep them at bay.
Ya see as soon as ya crawl out of ya box, your comfort zone, your partner becomes unsettled even if ya mean no harm. They want the control back. They can not accept that ya have a life as well. A life that is not theirs ta own.

To be honest I would like ta thank both our ex partners for what they did.
I am not sure if KB and I would have been as close as we are now and so in love had they just let us be friends.
It was and is their own insecurities that drew us closer. We had no where else ta turn so we turned to each other and for all the crap we have ta put up with I would like ta thank them both.
It was you that brought us so close.

KB may have a differeing view but she will tell her side if or when she is ready.

Ya see that the beauty of our relationship we can say what we want without fear of retribution.
It works both ways. If we have a gripe it is dealt with then let go. There is no hanging on ta it.

Whitesnakes do it better ........... When KB's by ya side


Missy said...

No one will know for sure what he or she truly felt because we weren't going through the moment with you each, but as people who know y'all via the internet for KB and I over two years now you are in a sense part of our lives. While we might have been slower in appreciating the underlining reasons of this and that, it's obvious you both are content and happy with each other and in that I can find joy for you both.

I will be honest Steve I had my trepidations about you, but sometimes sitting back and watching things unfold is the best way of seeing someone. While I haven't had the opportunity to get to know you as Keith has, I'll come to know you through your writings and through Karen.

No doubt they'll be highs and lows, but if like you say you settle them and let them go then things will bright for you both. I wish you both happiness, peace and love.


Whitesnake said...

All my life I have had in my head the sort of woman I wanted to be with.
KB is that woman!
Some will put on a face and then change. Some cannot cope with my sense of humour or the way in which I look at life.
KB just accepts me as I am as I do her. That is the beauty of us.
We don't have to explain things to each other we just know what each of us means. Breaking the shackles of how we were brought up and changing the habits we thought were the norm. Finally being free to be yaself warts n all with no fear of retribution is a wonderful yet scary scenario. The journey begins and it is a beautiful feeling. Our door is always open, especially to the likes of you and Keith.
When you get ta know KB ya feel like ya have been touched by an angel ...... NO KAREN this aint a Buffy thing!
Getting ta know me isn;t quite the same more of a Stargate ..... never know where ya'll end up.

Missy said...

LOL well my son and I like stargate and there was a few episodes of Buffy I liked (it really gave me pitiful nightmares heeh).

Y'all are a family brought together on mutual needs, feelings and trust. Be happy you both. That is the best thing you can give to one another, happiness free of guilt and worries.

Hugs to you both> I mean it.

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