Sunday, March 27, 2011

Shopping with KB and Whitesnake

The problem with KB and I is that we care. We try to do right by all that we do and come across. We are considerate and law abiding. Loving and caring. Charitable and understanding and just had about enough of the idiots that are in our world and our space, breathing in the same air but not giving a damn about anything or anyone except themselves.
Frustrated are we?

The turnips that constantly run red lights cut people off and blatantly park in mobility spaces fail to indicate their intentions to turn a corner. The shoppers who stroll around eating food stuff they haven’t paid for. The ignorant bastards that leave their trolleys in the middle of an aisle while they wander about blissfully unaware that their action has caused a few anxious moments a few inconveniences to fellow shoppers. Not that they care anyway as they grab at their trolley someone is moving aside giving that person the stare of a thousand deaths and then some.

They may even open their mouth and say something abusive just to highlight the fact they are totally incapable of being human.
They will cut across your path as you move down an aisle and then blame you for not looking where you are going.
They stop to talk to people and block the aisle with their overweight bodies and their disgusting fashion sense of tight fitting clothes that are ten times too small their fat ass with the wedgie that clearly defines each bum cheek immaculately.

As we enter the store the provocation starts. A customer cuts in front of us oblivious to the carnage they may have cause were it not for my more that unique trolley driving skills.

Around the corner and walk into beer fridge where we pick up my beers that are usually on special. Next the wine for KB who has decided she would like one white wine and the rest of them red. Of course another customer abruptly stops in front of us to talk to the sales assistant. I slam on the brakes and weave around them and loudly profess that some one else must be using their family brain cell.

The serious shopping begins.

Aisle's of Torment
Now to brave the aisle’s of torment.

The constant screaming of kids that are not getting their own way and are running around bumping into people and knocking over products not even stopping to pick them up. The uncaring parent totally ignoring them until a staff member chastises them it is then and only then that the parent becomes defensive suggesting that the kids are well brought up and respectful and demanding that an apology be made. We watch this unfold as the kids stand their egging the parent on dressed in scruffy clothes with nothing on their feet looking like they haven’t bathed for days. The parent’s trolley full of nutritional products such as potato crisp, Doritos, chocolate bars, budget bread and cheap soft drinks full of sugar and other goodies that haven’t been discovered by science yet.

Just wait there is more. One stands at the deli counter to get some prosciutto for the beef wellington we are going to cook up for dinner and some old battle axe cuts in front demanding that she be served because she has been waiting for all of 5 seconds and her incontinent knickers are full and she needs to change them.

We wander off to find solitude in the healthy product aisle where no one ventures or so we thought. All the health nuts are there discussing the virtues of having a good pooh after eating this product or that. They describe in incredible detail which product will supply you with comfortable bowel movement whilst still getting limited gas output.

This skin lotion has not been treated on animals (but has been treated on plants), this toilet paper is eco friendly (meaning what precisely? It doesn’t remove pooh.. maybe?)
The health bars that contain no preservatives or any other substance that would make you want to eat them.

We quickly scamper out of that aisle, alas to the next aisle where all the soft drinks are held and of course where all the people who really do need to be on biggest loser congregate.
We squeeze through and I mean squeeze. Most of them have no idea about hygiene or what deodorant is for.

We are of course grateful we buy our meat elsewhere as the butchery department has customers picking up every pack of meat prodding and poking it to see if it is still alive then throwing it back with gay abandon as they come across another pack that is cheaper but has less meat. Then they spend about 20 minutes staring at it hoping, praying the price will change.

I brave the bakery to get a loaf of bread as KB makes her way to the tuna aisle.

I try not to gaze at the multitudes of people stuffing their trolleys with cakes and buns of varying types. A deep breath assists as I grab the bread and quickly look for the tuna aisle.

A flock of asians come scurrying out of the noodle aisle trolleys laden with the entire shelf of specially priced goods. They mutter away in their own language because they don’t want to speak English. A wry smile comes to my face as I realize the products they have purchased were all two dollars cheaper last week!

In the tuna aisle KB has already got the tuna in the trolley but looks at me in despair as she is surrounded by other customers blocking her path. I quickly push my way through and take KB and our trolley out of the aisle much to the disgust of those we brushed aside.

KB quickly grabs a pack of eggs as we disappear round to the chilled food area.

Although the chilled food section is nice place on a hot day I wish I had a dollar for the amount of times the word “excuse me” passes my lips. People look gob smacked as I reach across and with a pleasant “excuse me” grab whatever product I wanted and move on.
You can hear them mumbling “Bloody organized shoppers are nothing but a nuisance!”

The pet food aisle is a sure sign we are nearly at the finish line. Treats for Coco and it is straight to the cleaning aisle.

Anytime something is on special people will flock to that aisle and have a serious debate on the value of buying the product. Either buy one or buy several. Most annoying is the fact that they restrict movement of others by their mere presence.

I look at KB and she nods her head.
Time to find a checkout and get the hell out of here leaving the few items we haven’t got for another day.

We always try to get a checkout that is out of the way, the down side is that usually there are bulk buying customers in front of us. We take the good with the bad and enjoy the peace and relative quiet of being left alone.
Won't be long.

Shopping done and paid for but the trials and tribulations have not finished as another down and outer barrages passes us. Even in the carpark as we are walking on the pedestrian crossing an impatient dead beat toots their horn trying to get us to run.
Finally with the groceries packed in the boot we make our way home.

Somebody’s grandmother with a death wish drives around the carpark as if she was in the amusement park bumper car. On the main road a 4 wheel drive comes across from two lanes over and straight in front of us so as to make it into the service station that they only just noticed because they were too busy listening to their jungle music.

Another vehicle hikes it past us traveling at double the speed limit only for us to catch up with them at the next set of lights. The driver of the vehicle is a rather obese specimen with a nice big car to compensate for the lack of anything between the ears and legs.

At long last we are home and with the shopping put away I get a beer and make KB a coffee.

Who needs to pay for an adrenalin rush we just go shopping.

KB and Whitesnake

1 comment:

KB said...

I'm coming out in a sweat just reading this xxxx

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